draft from an unsent email to Mr. Big
It was 5:40 pm and I wondered if I could call or text — still reach you before you left to go on vacation with your family, with your wife to see your child. A trip of a couple of weeks to take in another country, a famous tourist spot, a historical moment in time. But I realized it might be too late. In that taboo time frame between when I am allowed to call and when I might jeopardize the life you made for yourself and so ardently protect. The time when I realize I am second, driven home like a spike in my side.
All the love I thought I felt from you has faded, as if I imagined it and it never existed. I realize with acute clarity that I imagined our entire love affair. You only want me for physical pleasure. {I don’t really believe this.} The conversations when you appear interested in my day are merely lubricant to making me feel open and loving for your phone sex. How naive and stupid I am!
And yet I imagine you acting indignant reading this, thinking “you loved me”as best as you were able~ but you couldn’t even arrange to mail me a birthday card while you were away. You couldn’t manage to call, knowing I was going in for a medical procedure… it’s all so ~ APPARENT. You have your family, and I am not a part of it.
wah, wah, wah. quit your belly-aching whore
This is the life I made for myself. Stop acting like it is not mine.
Filed under: affair, coping Tagged: long-term affair, married man, other woman
